Parenting philosophy

Positive discipline

Kind and firm together, with the child in on the decision.

Adlerian in origin: misbehaviour is read as a mistaken attempt to belong, so the answer is to give the child a real job in the family rather than a punishment. Family meetings are literal. Consequences exist but must be related to what happened, and encouragement replaces praise — you comment on the effort and the contribution rather than on the child.

R1
Response to distress
R2
Behaviour or feeling
R3
Physical closeness
D1
Structure
D2
Who decides
D3
Consequences
D4
Praise and rewards
A1
Doing it themselves
A2
Risk
A3
Expectation
A4
How full the week is
G1
Where guidance comes from
G2
Whose needs count
C1
Consistency that can be held
C2
Bandwidth
What it asks of you

Not what it promises

Every approach here works for the families it suits; the useful question is what it costs to run.

  • Running family meetings, in practice and not in theory
  • Finding a related consequence under time pressure, which is much harder than imposing any consequence
  • Holding firm and kind in the same sentence
  • Patience with a method that is slower than counting to three and is supposed to be
Axis by axis

Where it stands

Every position with the source it was read from, and the pale band is how much internal variation the approach genuinely tolerates. A wide band is not vagueness — it means the texts in this family really do disagree with each other about that axis.

R1Response to distress
let them work through itstep in and settle them straight away

Source: Positive Discipline

R2Behaviour or feeling
what they didwhat is underneath it

Source: Positive Discipline

R3Physical closeness
their own space, earlycarried, close, sleeping near us

Source: Positive Discipline

D1Structure
we take the day as it comesa predictable rhythm and clear rules

Source: Positive Discipline

D2Who decides
we work it out with themthe adults decide, and explain

Source: Children: The Challenge

D3Consequences
no imposed consequences at allthe same consequence, every time

Source: Positive Discipline

D4Praise and rewards
describing what is therepraising and rewarding freely

Source: Punished by Rewards

A1Doing it themselves
doing it for them while they are smallletting them do it badly, from early

Source: Positive Discipline

A2Risk
removing the hazardletting them meet it

Source: Positive Discipline

A3Expectation
their own pace, no pushhigh expectations, and pushing

Source: Positive Discipline

A4How full the week is
unstructured time, boredom is fineactivities, outings, things laid on

Source: Positive Discipline

G1Where guidance comes from
instinct and observationresearch, books, a named method

Source: Positive Discipline

G2Whose needs count
the child's needs come first, alwaysthe adults in the house count too

Source: Positive Discipline

C1Consistency that can be heldwhat your life allows
it varies — by the day, and by who is onthe same line every time

Source: Positive Discipline

C2Bandwidthwhat your life allows
running on emptyhaving room for this

Source: Positive Discipline

Further

What to read

  • Positive Discipline — Jane Nelsen

    The standard text. The chapter on logical versus natural consequences is the one that does the work.

  • Children: The Challenge — Rudolf Dreikurs

    From 1964 and it shows, but this is where the ideas come from.

Compared with

Sources for this row

  1. Positive Discipline

    Jane Nelsen, Ballantine, revised 2006. Primary text for the positive-discipline row, including family meetings, encouragement rather than praise, and logical consequences.

  2. Children: The Challenge

    Rudolf Dreikurs with Vicki Soltz, Hawthorn, 1964. The Adlerian source positive discipline is built on; cited where the two differ.

  3. Punished by Rewards

    Alfie Kohn, Houghton Mifflin, 1993. The argument against praise and reward systems that the D4 low pole is read from.

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