Parenting philosophy

Conscious parenting

The work is on you, not on the child.

The premise is that most of what a parent reacts to is their own history arriving on time, and that the child is not the problem to be solved. Rather than a technique for the child's behaviour it offers a practice for the parent's reaction: notice the trigger, name what it belongs to, and respond to what is actually in front of you. Expectations for who the child should turn out to be are treated as the thing to let go of.

R1
Response to distress
R2
Behaviour or feeling
R3
Physical closeness
D1
Structure
D2
Who decides
D3
Consequences
D4
Praise and rewards
A1
Doing it themselves
A2
Risk
A3
Expectation
A4
How full the week is
G1
Where guidance comes from
G2
Whose needs count
C1
Consistency that can be held
C2
Bandwidth
What it asks of you

Not what it promises

Every approach here works for the families it suits; the useful question is what it costs to run.

  • Genuine self-examination, sustained rather than occasional
  • Giving up the ambition to produce a particular kind of adult
  • Tolerating that this offers very little to do when a child is hitting their sibling right now
  • Some support of your own, because the approach asks a great deal of the parent

How it gets misread

Its critics read it as making everything the parent's fault. The text is closer to the opposite: it argues the parent's reaction is the only part actually available to work on.

Axis by axis

Where it stands

Every position with the source it was read from, and the pale band is how much internal variation the approach genuinely tolerates. A wide band is not vagueness — it means the texts in this family really do disagree with each other about that axis.

R1Response to distress
let them work through itstep in and settle them straight away

Source: The Conscious Parent

R2Behaviour or feeling
what they didwhat is underneath it

Source: The Conscious Parent

R3Physical closeness
their own space, earlycarried, close, sleeping near us

Source: The Conscious Parent

D1Structure
we take the day as it comesa predictable rhythm and clear rules

Source: The Conscious Parent

D2Who decides
we work it out with themthe adults decide, and explain

Source: The Conscious Parent

D3Consequences
no imposed consequences at allthe same consequence, every time

Source: The Conscious Parent

D4Praise and rewards
describing what is therepraising and rewarding freely

Source: The Conscious Parent

A1Doing it themselves
doing it for them while they are smallletting them do it badly, from early

Source: The Conscious Parent

A2Risk
removing the hazardletting them meet it

Source: The Conscious Parent

A3Expectation
their own pace, no pushhigh expectations, and pushing

Source: The Conscious Parent

A4How full the week is
unstructured time, boredom is fineactivities, outings, things laid on

Source: The Conscious Parent

G1Where guidance comes from
instinct and observationresearch, books, a named method

Source: The Conscious Parent

G2Whose needs count
the child's needs come first, alwaysthe adults in the house count too

Source: The Conscious Parent

C1Consistency that can be heldwhat your life allows
it varies — by the day, and by who is onthe same line every time

Source: The Conscious Parent

C2Bandwidthwhat your life allows
running on emptyhaving room for this

Source: The Conscious Parent

Further

What to read

  • The Conscious Parent — Shefali Tsabary

    The primary text. Light on practice by design, which is either the point or the flaw depending on what you came for.

  • What Happened to You? — Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey

    The same idea with the developmental science attached, and much more concrete.

Compared with

Sources for this row

  1. The Conscious Parent

    Shefali Tsabary, Namaste, 2010. Primary text for the conscious-parenting row, where the work is on the parent's own reactions rather than on the child's behaviour.

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